So I have decided to update my Tumblr after a year of complete silence on that page. A lot of my friends are starting to use it more and more and I have realized how great a network it can be. I will be mostly updating there and by updating I mean even short posts about my school and how things are going. I will still be updating my Twitter which is ultimately my most personal space. On Twitter, I mainly update anything recent and there is a lot of feelings involved. As opposed, my Tumblr is the most public space since I have shared its contents on Facebook. So it will remain as a collage of things I find interesting with some short posts. I won’t be interconnecting my Twitter and Tumblr anymore for privacy reasons.

This site will remain active but as I said in January in my 2010 Focus, I want to transform it into a more serious attempt on blogging. I have come back to my 2010 Focus after a period of new discoveries and adventures that i thought would not sweep me away from my goal and ambitions posted in January, yet they did. So, now is the time for revisions and I mean RE-visions. I won’t be changing my Focus, yet I will be reporting on it more.

So, my networks described in a few words:

* Luminescene: Somewhat personal. Old entries stay the way they are. Still my main blog and space for self-realization. More focused in the future. Written in English and Czech. Updated in a set interval with more serious and longer articles.

* Facebook: Very open to anyone. Used as a network and for connecting with people. Status updates include personal, recent information and interesting links I would like to discuss with my network. Updated every day in all languages of my friends network.

* Flickr: Not thinking about buying Pro account. Thus, you can view only 200 recent pictures. Will update with recent every-day pictures from my school/home/traveling. Will be updated irregularly.

* Last.fm: Updated automatically. I don’t use the network features. It’s just an account on my current and past music.

* Tumblr: Public blog. Collage of photos/video/music/quotes/links that I find interesting. Will be posting short posts about my every day life. Updated almost every day. Czech and English.

* OpenID: WIth Facebook, most recent contact information. Used to log in to LiveJournal to comment on my friends posts.

* Twitter: Updated every day with recent details from my every day life. Quite personal. My Twitter posts are not shared on my Facebook or Tumblr and it will stay that way. Mostly English.

* CSFD: Will most likely not be updated very often. No comments on movies. Serves only as a directory of movies I have seen and my rating. Will update soon. Czech.

* Zinch: An education/scholarship/professional profile that will be updated only in the case of my changing schools or jobs. English.

I believe I am not on any other social network and if I am, I don’t use it at all anymore. My stumbl account is not going to be updated. I won’t be sharing my RSS feed online. My Google Calendar will not be available for sharing but I will start using it more often since I have become very dissatisfied with iCal on my laptop. I do not use ICQ, MSN, or Google Talk. However, I have started using Facebook Chat. I can also be reached at my Gmail and school e-mail which are both publicly available at my Facebook or OpenID and I do check my Facebook messages. I have a Skype number but use it privately. My YouTube account is private. I use it only as a collection of favorite videos. Meaning, I do not upload videos.

My ff.net account is private as well and serves as a collection of favorite fanfictions. I do not contribute on ff.net. My writing on ff.ph.net and my personal site dedicated to writing will probably go through a change in the near future. I do write frequently but I do not post online under any nickname. I am thinking about joining LiveJournal in order to create a writing space for myself. There are some people who know that I used to have an LJ as well, but that space will not be updated and has not been updated since the end of 2008. The content will be probably deleted because I am not quite attached to these few posts. So, in terms of writing, there will be a space online for me to put together all my writing and it will probably be on LiveJournal.

All the links to the previously mentioned spaces in bold (that I use) are down in the footer of this page. This is also the only space that interconnects every social networking platform I use and it will stay that way.

There are five letters that I wrote to him. Letters I have not sent for quite obvious reasons. There is still one letter I haven’t sent to her either which just reminds me of how strangely these things end. Things. I don’t even have a better word… That’s how cold and cynical this left me. It’s May and it is literally snowing up here in the mountains. Winter has come back to me.

January 31, 2010

dear ______,

i am wondering what happened between us this weekend. just the fact that i am writing this letter seems to me as an ultimate proof of my interest and – i’ll say it only because you want me to – i need you to be around me, to touch my back and pretend it was an accident, to ask my permission to walk me back to my door, and to smile, like you always do, when you dance with me like it was the only thing that could make you happy anymore. however, i know it isn’t and it does make me a little sad inside because i cannot be your essential source of happiness.

tonight, i day-dreamed about you… you were sleeping and i was in my panties and your shirt putting on make-up, you know my pathetic little morning ritual, smiling to myself, moving my hips slowly in harmony with a song on my ipod. it would wake you up and you would just watch me for twenty-two seconds and smile so radiantly that i would feel, five feet from you, the dangerous heat on my lower back. you would then come up to me, turned up the volume, and led me in this blues dance while whispering along with jace everett ‘i wanna do bad things to you’. i would smile, i promise, i wouldn’t think about how much i’m afraid of ruining this fragile balance between us, of destroying the glass that seems to envelope your skin so i cannot touch you. so i would just smile and you would feel it the same way i did just a half-chorus earlier. i know you would love me very gently and very passionately that morning and we would be both late for class and the next hour, everyone would know that there were some bad things done to both of us. do you think i would cry then? would you just leave me because it is your character to please everybody? would you allow me to be selfish? i don’t want our answers, i truly don’t, there are no words that will fill up my waiting, so kiss me already, or tell me how pathetic i am and let go because more than i want to be your muse, i want to be someone i can admire myself.

signed curzio malaparte.

p.s.: tomorrow will be the day and it was.

March 09, 2010

dear _____,

I waited for you for so long. not only tonight before you finally showed up in my room but my whole life. you talked a lot about the play you are writing and I am more than fascinated by the progress you have made and by the ultimate outcome of the play. it almost feels like I will never be good enough for you, will I?

tonight reminded me of why I fell in love with you in the first place. being near you and feeling your skin on mine and your fingers in my hair while listening to the purity of your genius set me back into february when you just smiled, freely and sweetly as ever, after I told you that of course I was in love with you. sometimes I just feel like we don’t have enough time, especially now when you will go back to the city and I’ll go back to the old continent. will you miss me? will you realize that you need me? will you be there for me?

our relationship is strangely clear and almost perfect after the argument on saturday. it’s ‘almost perfect’ only because of the time. we both need more time with each other but no matter how long we talk, there’s never enough time. it’s the same way when we touch: no matter how closely I lie next to you, you always come closer, hug me a little bit tighter, deepen your kiss a bit further, create more intensity like we need it. do you think we will burn out one day? I just really want to know how you feel about that but you always seem to not truly understand the feelings you have, especially when it comes to me. but then again, you always listen to me and follow my advice and I am always correct, so, see, we do balance each other.

you were tired tonight because writing always keeps you up and you read so much more than any other person I have ever met. you seemed sad as well and I just wanted to make these feelings vanish inside our touch. you said that you never felt so lonely as yesterday which actually made me feel nervous about my bringing up all the drama that eventually led to our big public argument. I just want you to never leave my side no matter how pathetic that sounds. we need each other and I know, and so do you, that we love each other and hurt each other but it’s always ok and intense and deep.

you make me inspired. you drive me and motivate me to create. you give me hopes and desires. but sometimes I wonder, what do I give to you? tell me soon, because I feel like we will never have enough time.

I will miss you once you leave me.
I will miss you more because I know I will be the one to leave.

signed curzio malaparte.

March 30, 2010

dear _____,

maybe I am not completely lost. maybe you did not completely lose me because this week has been quite kind to us. I argued with you about a book I didn’t read only because I can; I laughed at you because I can; I hugged you close and told you that it won’t pass because I can. and finally we both agreed on how extremely suitable we are for one another. you weren’t sweet last night but you were real and I still could imagine myself next to you, the tired and angry writer. and so next time, once another of my friends expresses his or her disbelief that we are still together, I won’t say my usual sarcastic joke that I like to play games, no, I’ll say that we are the perfect fit because now I can.

signed curzio malaparte.

April 11, 2010

dear ______,

there is not much to say. I don’t have much to say, yet it seemed like I was the philosopher last night while comforting my friends. remember the discussion about trust? or the argument we had after yesterday’s part? or that my eyes started to water when you expressed such an emotion towards her because she was off with somebody else? I almost don’t remember, I just know how I felt. you should be with her because she is always around, has just the right girly portion of emotions, still loves you, and you still love her. but you keep escaping this black hole to the dreamless nights with me. we keep watching the stars from a long distance and I keep supporting your foundations, so you can reach them. but sometimes, sometimes it makes me so sad, because sometimes I need you to say it’s alright, come down to me and hug me tightly instead of your being lost in the colossal universe of your ego.

I almost said I love you last night, after all the hurtful things you pulled me through. again. but I didn’t say it, just wrote it in case you would need that support when I wasn’t around. is that a victory or did I fail myself again? sometimes, I crave to be this beautiful, wild fighter and never give up. and sometimes, I just feel so pathetic for fighting for something so monstrous and loveless as you. yet, there is only one thing that I hate: the fact that I am not allowed to be happy, that you don’t allow me to see the stars.

signed curzio malaparte.

May 02, 2010

dear ______,

it’s been almost exactly three weeks since we “broke up”. since I broke up with you. I still cannot believe I’ve done it and that this is supposed to be over now because it really isn’t over for me yet. the argument on monday night wasn’t quite the reason why I left and I hope you know it. one day, we will talk again, but now, be glad, really be glad, that I keep the sad silence between us because the only thing there is left to say is how much hurt I feel by your breaking the only promise you gave me. I remember you promised whole life together to her. yet you broke things off only to become the most indecisive monstrous thing I’ve ever seen. and so the first evening when I told you what I want and who I am, I let you to decide if you could do this, if you could be there by my side. and you did. however, that was just a noble lie to yourself as well as to myself. you could have simply said that you still loved her and that perhaps you did not break things off completely in the same way I keep saying that I still love you to all these desperate animals who keep trying to be with me, be you. it is disgusting. and nothing with you is ever simple.

still, I know that the magic is not gone. at least from my side because I can be no longer sure if that wasn’t just a masterpiece of acting from you. I saw you act. I saw you in the most abusive, loveless role in this horrendous, monstrous play and you actually weren’t acting. I will never forget your monologue, you, sitting in the chair directly opposite to me, our eyes are locked for the first time since I left, and you speak on why nobody cares about the monster you have become and why you do these things, why you have to hurt people. I am crying and I know you can see my pathetic shaking self but you don’t stop yourself. you can’t because everyone’s watching, in the same way as I cannot just stand up and leave. everyone’s watching. just like at any other moment of our relationship. the two most mysterious people at the college trying to be together, trying to be the perfect things in this crooked world. did we fail? is that so?

we don’t talk. partially, I think you think that I don’t want to talk, that I don’t like you anymore, as your friend told me you have said. but the only thing I need you to know, I need you to fundamentally understand, is that I still love you. and my kind of love is an ugly love, but it’s real and it lasts a long, long time. you can say the same. but not about me. her. now we try to be best friends. me and her. but we both just use the other. she is my connection to a normal transition next year and she makes me feel like a better person. how dangerously monstrous this thought feels. I am her listener and she wants to keep an eye on me so we don’t get back together, probably, which seems not as malformed as my mind has become.

next year, he and I are living in the same dorm. he picked the room despite seeing my name in the same dorm. I take it as a good step towards the future because we do have to live together for three years so why don’t we start with the most extreme form – right next to each other. he knows that she and I are different. she slept with him while we were together and she slept with other men during that time, too, whereas I go around and honestly say that I don’t even want to talk much less to accept because it would be very unjust to them and to myself since I still love him very much in spite of all the hurtful things that happened between us. perhaps we can still be together. one day. I keep thinking about it. which only ties me back to my open prison, my love to him. one day, we either eradicate the schism, or we destroy each other completely. both options are not that hard since we are partially completed both of them on some level. this will be almost like the first screening for all of them, for everyone who’s watching: the play of our greatest love and destruction. because we are everything and nothing to each other. and that’s how it’s always been and always will be.

I love him you.

signed…

To, že pravidelně nepíšu nejen o škole, ale i celkově o životě v Santa Fe, nejvíc nakonec škodí mně, protože se nemůžu vrátit sem a ponořit se do nostalgie. Dneska jsem vynechala laboratoř, protože jsem byla naprosto nevyspalá, k tomu jsem se probudila s tupou bolestí v hlavě a čtení Archiméda jsem věnovala jen polovinu času, než jsem měla. Dnes mě ještě čeká sezení s psychologem, Euklidovská geometrie a seminář na čtvrtou a pátou knihu Platónovy Republiky. Celý víkend a dnešek je také dost stresový pro všechny druháky, protože do poledne musejí odevzdat svou Enabling Essay. To je esej, podle které komise rozhodne, jestli je student propuštěn do třetího ročníku a nadále k ukončení studia. Takže většina mých přátel pobíhá kolem, vynechává dnešní tutorialy a snaží se to alespoň dopsat do dnešního semináře, což je v osm, o osm hodin později než je termín.

První týden zpět v Santa Fe (minulé dva týdny jsem měla jarní prázdniny) byl poměrně náročný a to jak akademicky, tak emocionálně. Z nějakého důvodu se mi o něm příliš mluvit nechce, snad jen že náš vztah je lepší než kdy jindy, ale oba jsme zároveň zatíženi dalšími věcmi mimo školu, takže je docela těžké zvládat rychlé obědy mezi hodinami nebo večer bez čtení a psaní, který bychom měli jen pro sebe. Nicméně nám to oběma vyhovuje, on píše svou hru a přetváří svůj život do základů, já píšu svou esej a soubory krátkých povídek a poznávám se. Navzájem jsme si kritiky i oporou a přátelé si na nás zvykli poměrně rychle. Dnes večer po semináři budeme sledovat hvězdy, oba ale máme nepřiměřené množství práce na zítřek, takže předpokládám, že to bude jen další noc, kdy se téměř mineme. I tahle drobná setkání, na chodbě mezi hodinami, na večeři, v knihovně nebo po semináři v kavárně jsou dokonale intenzivní. Včera během večeře jsme stihli probrat politiku EU, japonskou mentalitu, knihy, které čteme, dva filmy, co jsem viděla na Febiu a detailní popis uplynulého dne.

Stále se cítím šťastná většinu času, ale zvlášť poslední týden jsem byla až pekvapivě přecitlivělá. V poslední době nedokáži kontrolovat své emoce a tak mě jeho deprese neuvěřitelně zasáhla, můj chabý výstup během řečtiny doprovodily slzy a vztek a to, úterní noc s ním mě naplnil nadějí a láskou a pak týden, kdy jsme si prostě nedokázali najít čas, mě neuvěřitelně frustroval. Snad lepší týden začíná právě dnes.

Možná návrat do Prahy nebyl jeden z mých nejvelkolepějších nápadů, nicméně na konci dne, když přemýšlím o tom, co tento návrat přinesl, nejsem nespokojená s tím, co cítím. Po tolika letech, které se ukázaly být jen ztraceným časem v mém nekončícím souboji s touhou, sny a seberealizací (tentokrát ve smyslu vytvoření a ne uvědomění), přišel čas nejistoty a potřeby definovat v retrospektivě člověka, kterého zas tak dobře neznám. Ne po všech těch letech, kdy jsem utíkala z místa na místo, abych byla na tři týdny uchvácena filosofií Thajska, na rok uchvácena přírodou Wisconsinu a v zásadě vzato uchvácena sama sebou a svou nedokonalostí.

Stejně jako slzy za Jana Palacha, které přišly tak neočekávaně během prvního roku v USA, dnes se otevírají jizvy mnohem starší a snad i mnohem důležitější. Zmrtvýchvstání neznamená nic a zároveň všechno pro mou unavenou mysl. Místo toho, abych se soustředila na Platónovu Republiku, věnovala jsem celou noc a nadcházející ráno studováním Bible. Ani po teď nechápu, proč pro mě bylo tak těžké dokončit předchozí větu. Opakované přepisování termínů jako “velikonočních tradic”, “křesťanské filosofie” či “biblických odkazů” mne jen utvrzuje v mé absolutní nejistotě s jakou přistupuji k této podivné změně hodnot.

Před dvěma měsíci můj nejvýraznější problém byl v tom, že mi něco chybělo, nějaký pevný bod, kořeny mé inspirace, kotva mých předsudků a esence mých ideí. Dnes nacházím nejistotu v definování oné báze, na které se snažím krkolomně stát. Nežádám víru. Jen se snažím pochopit odkud jsem přišla a kam mám jít. Nedokáži už nalézt uspokojení v tom, jak fragmenotvaně působí vše, co jsem vytvořila a vše, co znázorňuji. Žádám jendotu, aby harmonizovala ten věčný pocit neuspokojení a ucelila to, co cítím, je dávno rozbité. A možná to je ten jediný důvod, proč se po tolika letech soustředím na minulost, proč otevírám Pandořinu skříňku s tak naivní důvěrou, že mne její obsah nezničí, proč se vracím k češtině jako k nostalgické vzpomínce na něco, co jsem si možná jen vysnila místo reality. Důvod, proč mě děsí to, že se neznám.

I know I haven’t been writing at all in this year but I do have a couple of good excuses. Mainly, I have been occupied with my college education and the overall college experience, but there are so many other little things that keep me busy even outside of classes. Lately, I have been thinking about moving to livejournal only to have a certain change in my online activity. I am not sure if I truly want to do that because I don’t have an idea what would happen with this place… The reason why I was thinking about switching to LJ in the first place was privacy issues and friends network which I lack very much right now. I actually do have an LJ, so I might just still keep it as a more private place to write and publish next to luminiscene. Let me know what you think about that.

On different note, I might be coming back home for spring break which starts next week and goes on until the end of March. It seems like the most reasonable thing I can do right now and I feel like I need some time outside the US with non-Americans. I will talk about college in greater depth, but I just want to let you know that even though you all thought it is impossible for me to ever be truly happy and satisfied with some place, this time I really am. I love this place.